"Were am I" I asked as I get up from under some leaves.
I get up and I can only see something in the distance. "Is that a lake?What is that!" I start to get walk to ward it "Its a lagoon" where could I possible be. "grow, grow" o im so hungry i can possibly devour a pig. Were's every one at? How did I get here? I start to quiver im so scared, im lonely all by myself. I looked up. Theres a tree I see a fruit I start to climb up the tree with a lot of clamor. I need to get that fruit it looks very tasty. I am sitting on the floor and I start to speculate. I hear something in the far that is starting to strident. "What is that"
In the far i see some people coming closer who are they they're no adults there all kids. There really close to me so i get closer and i try to interpose in there way. Theyre are also all boys some are dressed in a very decorous way. some boy that is leading speaks up in a very vainly way. "What is your name " billy I answered. Do you guys know were were at? i asked yeah we are stranded in an island and no one knows were we are at" said a boy who they called piggy. Another boy named jack interupted him in a very indignation day. In the very far there is a boy he looks pallor. I think he is hungry i remenber that on the tree i saw some fruit so i take it down and feed it to him.
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4 comments:
"Were am I"- "Where am I?",
I start to get walk to ward it- I start to walk toward it.
where could I possible be. "grow, grow" o im so hungry- where could I possible be. "Grow grow"(Whats grow?) oh I'm so hungry
Were's every one - Where's everyone?
In the far - maybe "Far away?"
There really close to me so i get closer and i try to interpose
They're really close to me so I get closer to try to interpose (Suggestion)
billy I answered - put in quotation marks?
Sorry for so many corrections =P
Yessika-
I start to quiver im so scared, im lonely all by myself. This is good you need to do in this is change those im's to I'm and you should try to talk in past tense eg:
I started to quiver, I was so scared... this story is suppose to be a memory, even I messed up a tiny bit on this and so did Jeff. Use Spellcheck and check capitals... I goof these a lot!
;)
Pat
"Is that a lake? What is that!" maybe you should put it like this "what is that? I think its a lake."
"grow, grow o im so hungry i can possibly devour a pig. Were's every one at? What does "grow, grow" mean i think you meant "Growl, Growl' like a hungry stomach. After you talk about being hungry you go straight into asking Question "Where is everybody?" are you tryign to tell me that the boy is confused?
"How did I get here? I start to quiver im so scared, im lonely all by myself. I looked up. Theres a tree..." Is this kid supposed to be little he seems to ask questions then not answer it by getting distracted. My sense is that he is very young and scared.
"Theres a tree I see a fruit I start to climb up the tree with a lot of clamor. I need to get that fruit it looks very tasty." You used clamor ( a sound) not clamber ( Walking/crawling on all fours) and you might want to say " Cool, at the top of the tree i see a lot of fruit maybe i should climb up to get them they look great. I started to clamber up the tree. A few minutes later i made it to the top."
"I am sitting on the floor and I start to speculate. I hear something in the far that is starting to strident." this sentence makes no sense. you might want to say "As soon as i got the fruit i sat on the floor and started to speculate my situation. When a strident sound from afar knocked me out of my thoughts."
It seems to me that you might be confused about the meanings of some of the words. I might go back and review how you used the words in the writing assignment.
Additionally you need to remain in the same tense, you jumped between past and present.
i like the way you asked the questions in you writing. you showed how confused someone might be in this situation. I really felt for the character i got to see how scared and alone he felt.
-- Katie Brooks
P.S. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I you ever need help understanding something i am there to help you.
Yessika,
I'd like you to use Katie Brooks comment as your REVISION assignment. She has some really good feedback for you.
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